Christmas aging

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I’m getting older.

Not just with age but wisdom.

I realized this while writing my Christmas list.

I didn’t want,

Shiny rings or new technological toys.

But someone to go caroling with,

Someone to cuddle and watch Christmas movies with.

Someone to love and to love me back.

I guess that’s when you know.

When you want something money can’t buy,

For that festive holiday.

Stay out. 

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How did I pop into you’re mind.

Am I someone you stalk on the regular? 

Or do you just miss me ? 

You don’t talk to me.

I don’t talk to you. 

We keep our distances because you made your choices long ago.

Thus leading to mine to move on. 

Giving up the effort to salvage any form of relationship with you. 
But too see your name pop onto my screen, 

After months of no communication worries me. 

Do not try to weasel your way back into my life. 

You’re gone.

You left me. 

Let’s keep it that way. 

Show me. 

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Your breathing is shallow. You drift in and out of consciousness, 

Asking me to scratch your back.  

But today is different 

We fought earlier. 

The drive to my house was filed with, 

Music explaining my emotions, 

Better than I ever could, 

Your breath, Sighs, And text tones. 

After the drive, 

We fell back into our rhythm. 

Laughing and making jokes. 

Then you said something. 

It sparked something inside me. 

It’s the one phrase that makes me sweat. 

“ I don’t care” 

You say it with no effort. 

You don’t care about what? 

Me? 

That’s what my brain always assumes first. 

Do I really matter? 

Or am I just another piece of ass. 

It angers you when I say things like that. But I wouldn’t question it if you just showed me… 

Show me you care! 

Show me I matter! 

Then! And only then!

Will I trust with no bounds. 

So many letters 

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So many letters. 

Letters from my, 

Sophomore, 

Junior, 

And senior year of highschool. 

So many people claimed so many things. 

So much love and care swiped under the rug. 

Like it never existed. 
Now hateful words are what fills those hallways. 

Now I realize,

Why no one stays friends with the people they 

once loved from high school. 

Because once you’re gone you’re gone. 

Out of sight, 

Out of mind. 
So I’ll sit here and remember all those nights you 

say you’ll never forget. 

And you all stay there, 

And forget with every passing day. 

I know you all have forgotten. 

Or trying to forget. 

Why? 

I will never know. 

There might be reasons but they are in the past, 

And resolved. 

But I forgot you guys love to hold grudges, 

Even when it’s not your place. 

Next to me

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You’re the only one allowed to sleep in my bed. I have had many people take the spot next to me. 

Friends, 

Lovers, 

Family. 

But non of the compare, 

To the calm your presence brings me. 

I don’t know if it’s you’re breathing. 

Or feeling your heart beat beneath my hand. 

You calm me. 

You bring me ease. 

You are a comfort, 

I have never experienced. 

All you do is hurt. 

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You say you want me in your life. 

But you don’t show it.

Sleeping at my house doesn’t mean shit. 

Coming to my side doesn’t mean shit. 

If I hear you’re just talking to smack, 

While you “defend” me. 

Trying to get under my skin, 

Just to “thinken” it, 

Hurts. 

Putting me in your phone as “do not answer”,

Even as a joke,

Hurts. 

Being lovey in private, 

But not public, 

Hurts. 

PRETENDING TO BE THE PERSON I DEFEND, 

Fucking hurts. 

All you’re doing is hurting me.  

But you want to turn around and get in my pants. 

I make the effort to be honest,

To be a good person towards you. 

But you just can’t find that within yourself, 

Can you.  

Circles

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I didn’t feel the urge to write when I was with you. 

I figured out, 

A long time ago. 

That I would probably stop writing,

When I was truly happy. 
I write about sadness,

Tragedy, 

Betrayal, 

And the overall depression that life can bring. 

But you changed me. 
You made me smile with a touch, 

Giggle with a single word,

& fill me with joy with music. 

You really were one for the books. 
But what you’ve done is almost unforgivable. 

But god knows I’ll eventually forgive you. 

Just because of who I am as a person. 

I’m a lover. 

But you’re a fighter. 

And we’re just running in circles. 

Swimming pool

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I have so much love in me. 

So much that I will give it to anyone. 

But sometimes they drown. 

And get out of the pool of emotions. 

Dry off,

And walk away. 

I’m just a swimming pool, 

To be used when felt lonely. 

So they can be submerged,

In warmth & love. 

Until it gets to hot. 

Favorite person 

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You are my favorite person. 

You make me want to live fully. 

You make my smile stretch wider,

Everyday. 

When you stay over, 

You are my favorite part of waking up. 

Your scent puts me in a trance, 

While making me feel safer than ever. 

When you kiss me goodnight, 

It’s all I can think about, 

Until I crawl into bed. 

You’re a piece I never knew was missing. 
I always said, 

I would probably stop writing when I was truly happy. 

And it’s been awhile, 

Since I’ve put thoughts to paper. 

But you make me so happy. 

I don’t want to waste anytime writing about it. 

I just wanna live it. 

I just want you to be my two arms & heartbeat,

I call home.