Libs family

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I started all alone.

As most things are done.

A contract signed to start a new chapter in life.

A single 21 year old,

Leaving after 8 months,

With a whole new family.

Seeing them trickle away.

One by one.

Each day a new graduation.

Saying goodbye,

To some of the most beautiful souls I have ever met.

October 5th, 2018.

My first real friend left.

A girl I had spent many days with.

Laughing so much,

Tears were brought to my eyes.

Making Snapchat videos in her car.

Making up hours,

To get her little behind out of the school.

Weekends spent with drinks and amazing memories.

I love this girl,

& I know she will be in my life forever.

Sons left my mouth on the day of her graduation.

Sally is her name,

& being one of my best friends is her reign.

November 7th, 2018.

Big nick,

Well that’s what we called him.

The day he taught me how to braid,

Was one of my favorite days at school.

A gentle soul,

With nothing but positivity radiating from him.

A soul you don’t want to mess with.

He made days fly by faster,

Keeping me laughing,

Bringing only smiles to my face.

On the day he walked out.

For the last time.

I cried some more,

One more down.

And 3 to go.

Nick will be carried with me through my whole career.

November 12th, 2018.

Two peas in a pod.

My mother’s.

Leaving the school for the last time.

More tears shed for them.

I love these girls.

Between giving the advice,

And dealing with my weekly mental break downs.

They have helped build my character more than anything.

Girls I aspire to be like.

Strong women who know what they want in life,

And are taking what is there’s.

Collette & Katie one more pieces of my heart then they will ever know.

Nothing will beat the extra time I got to spend with them.

I will think about them everyday.

One left to go.

November 20th, 2018.

My last OG boo left.

A boy I’ve spent hours with.

Making them up & just fucking around.

Throwing balls of sass back and forth at each other.

He is an Oracle.

One of my besties,

A boy that never fails to put a smile on my face,

Even when I’m on the verge of stress tears.

I will go on these last three weeks without him.

And they will be the longest three weeks here.

More tears shed,

The last time he walks out of those doors.

My friends are gone.

I have others but I started with these people.

They have made this journey with me.

They have gone through it all,

With me.

I will never forget them.

They hold pieces of my heart,

That now belong to them.

I love them with everything inside of me.

They will be beyond successful.

They deserve everything this world has to offer them.

And they will take it with fierceness.

Sally,

Nick,

Collette,

Katie,

And now Nicholas.

All one by one have left the school.

It is my turn now.

To take that certificate,

And be on my way.

I love these people like no other.

We will all change the world in someway,

Because it is what we deserve.

They helped me through each day.

I started alone.

But I ended with a family.

Secret feelings

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That fluttering feeling in my stomach has returned.
No one knows the future.
No one knows anybody’s true intentions.
All I do know is that,
The feeling has returned.

A feeling I thought had died many years ago.
When the boy,
I thought I loved,
Left the state.
And moved onto better things.

But last night,
When we left the bar together,
Telling my friends you wanted to take me home.
That feeling,
And many others,
Returned to my body.

When you’re being held,
And told to never leave.
Being told he wants to see you everyday.
And asked to stay the night,
Because he didn’t want to watch you go.

Three glorious hours,
Spent experiencing new feelings.
Longing a person you’ve know,
But never truly met.
Until now.
Those feelings are bound to return.
I pray you are true,
I pray you meant what you have said.
I pray you’re intentions are pure.

Now I’ve returned to my old writing ground.
Pouring my heart into a electronic device,
That is full of my secrets.
Unfortunately for now you are a secret.
You have a connection with every boy,
That has broken my heart.
So for now you are a secret,
Soon enough,
Hopefully,
I will be able to flaunt you to the world.

Peaceful sleeping

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The only thing I miss about you,

Is having someone to sleep next to.

Your heavy breathing,

And steady heart beats.

Are the only thing lacking between my sheets.

Your back always warm slightly radiating heat.

Kept me more than comfortable while we’d lay there and sleep.

With my hand on your chest,

I felt that pounding lullaby.

It would knock me out so fast,

I didn’t even have to try.

You have left an absence in my bed.

Nearly impossible to fill.

I miss your stupid presence.

One not long ago I wanted to kill.

But you’ve gone and there’s a dent,

Where you used to lay your head.

Now I lay here unable to sleep,

All alone in my queen sized bed.

Excerpts from the book I will never write #6

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A Letter to the Boys that Tricked  Me into Loving Them

Dear the two of you,

Because at the moment there are only two. I know you can’t really trick someone into loving them but everyone knows the kind of person I am. I am a lover, but not just any lover. I am the girl who throws herself into boys who will take everything she has and leave her with only enough love to get by.

Boy number one, we had been best friends for years and suddenly, one night you kissed me and my whole life changed. We made an agreement, no feelings, just sex. But come on, you had to have known I would fall for you. You were one of the boys I liked back in high school; When you made your first move on me, I began to see myself in a whole different light. For the first time I felt pretty. Pretty enough to snag a boy like you. In the following months, when I started to realized my feelings for you were growing deeper, I tried to change the agreement. But I was never enough for you. You were never proud to be with me. So I let you use me for your needs. In a sense I was using you too, you made me feel beautiful and wanted. We went on like this for 11 months, until you found someone who you actually wanted to claim as your own. We said we would stay friends but that didn’t last long. You must have grown tired of being reminded of the girl you lost every time you saw me. I gave up a lot of my life for you. You knew that too, but you used my caring nature as an advantage to get what you wanted. You are nearly a foot note in my life. I won’t call you a mistake because without you I wouldn’t know what to look for in boys who just want one thing. Thank you for breaking a piece of my heart to teach me a life lesson.

Boy number two, you should be ashamed of yourself. You sat in the car with me, while I would cry about the boy I just mentioned. You knew what I wanted. You knew I wanted to be claimed, to be flaunted as someones girl. I wanted a boy to be proud to have me on their arm. You said you understood, but at first, you were using me of the same purposes the boy before you. You hit me like a brick wall, you came out of no where. I never thought I would fall In love with you this much. I never thought I could love someone this much. You have had a hard life and I understand. But love, I would have died to make you happy. You need a place to stay, so I gave you a roof. You needed food to eat and survive, so I bought your meals. You needed things to do to fill up your quiet days, so I sat in the car with you and gave you activities to fill you with joy. I wanted to see you live your best life and be the best person you could be. I just wanted to be by your side as you grew and become the man I knew you were capable of becoming. You opened up another portion of my heart. The only thing I wanted in return was a title. Insurance that you would not just get up and leave if you found someone better. But the plot twist was I was the one to get up and leave. I was done with the petty games and the stupid fights. You “got me” so you stopped trying. Stopped trying to please me, make me happy, or even just trying to talk to me. I don’t know if we just out grew each other but it was the only impulsive decision I have ever made that ended up maturing me further. One that should have been done a long time ago. My impulsivity usually dug my grave and pushed me in as well; But for once it set me free.

As I sit in my room on a Thursday night thinking for that the past two years, on Thursdays, I would wait for my boys be done with training then to either go back to their place (boy number 1) or drive around aimlessly (boy number 2). I read through old messages and look through old pictures, but no regret creeps into mind. Knowing I have out grown my bad habits gives me a sense of peace. Knowing I am growing and making decisions for myself gives me a sense of prosperity. So thank you boys, for tricking a love sick girl into falling into the worst rabbit hole. I have learned to love myself instead of molding myself into something to be loved.

Cleansing feelings

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Two weeks with no contact.

This being my own decision,

Today I lifted the ban.

I asked you if you can give me the money you owe me.

I had to be straight forward.

I can not let you weasel your way into my life again.

You used my generosity as a crutch.

It drained me.

12 months of draining.

You laid out some of your problems,

Reasons to delay payment.

I feel pitty.

My instincts push me to try to comfort you,

And offer a shoulder to cry on.

But I have to be strong.

You mention your stress.

But also drop some truth bombs in.

A realization moment for me.

Do you finally understand everything I’ve done for you?

“Yea I owe you your money, Yea I owe you more than money.”

You’re right.

You owe me time,

Affection,

Love,

And a whole year of my life.

These are things you can never give back to me.

Because I will be smarter.

I will not fall for that again.

But I did.

I did see you this night we did get together.

But that night brought me so much comfort.

You laid on my lap like a baby.

Yearning for the type of love,

That had been bestowed upon you for the past year.

You too were oddly affectionate.

I knew this was a front,

To try to seem apologetic for all the problems you created.

But when I left your home later that evening.

I felt nothing for you.

Romantically or physically.

This new found information felt cleansing.

My love for you died a tragic death.

The most tragic of all is,

Not only was it losing me,

But having to live the rest of your life knowing no one will ever see what I saw within you.

Excerpts from the book I will never write #5

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I am a very over dramatic person. I don’t really know why, but I do know I can take things out of proportion. I also know I am very tired of hearing “relax, It is not the end of the world”. Because people do not understand that we are young. We have lived so little that right now, in this moment, it is in fact the end of the world. In this very moment we feel we are the saddest we have ever been. In retrospect we are babies, untouched by some of the purest feelings and most toxic repercussions of the universe. In my personal experience I have come to the realization that time is my best friend. If the topic is boys or friendship, I have come to learn that 24 hours is the perfect amount of time. If you go a whole day with the same feeling and no better understanding of the situation you just analyzed for the past day, your feelings are most likely rational. If you have calmed down and started to understand what is happening more, than perfect, you just saved yourself a whole lot of embarrassment. But sometimes your rage or sadness gets the better of you and you just can’t keep quiet. You want to make the other person understand your reaction. So you yell and cry or send triple essay texts, it doesn’t matter how they hear you, you just want them to listen.

Now that you understand what I do, it’s a little easier when I say I thought a lot of boys had “broken my heart” because in that moment it was; what I presumed to be heart break. Now that I’m 20 years old I understand my self and my reactions a little better. If you knew me, you’d know that I’m a hopeless romantic. So you’d probably think it was a crush or a boyfriend I’d give the infamous title of my first heartbreak, but you would be wrong. I have had a lot of close guy friends in my past but there was one portion of my life where everything was in shambles. I was in a messy situation with one of my oldest friends, who was playing my heart like a violin. I was in the middle of moving out of my child hood home, and having to come to terms with moving to a new state. I had recently lost 99% of my friends for what is still one of the biggest mysterious I have come across to this date. And One night a boy who I liked made me cry and I was in the midst of a mental breakdown, this friend was always seen as responsible and trusting. So I called him up and asked him to drive around with me, and that night hatched a whole new level to our friendship. He learned everything about me in such little time and accepted me. For the months to come he stuck by me and my hours of crying about a boy who was slowly stealing pieces of my sanity and my heart, discussing my old friends leaving me with no explanation, and just what was happening in my life in general. He was my safe haven. He was the first person I told everything too. I was the girl who everyone came too when they had nothing better to do. I loved to just drive around and talk, I was used to picking people up just so they can vent while we drive. If they wanted advice or just to talk, smoke or drink. I was down. I guess he was my me. He always facilitated, he knew if I needed a pick me up, or If I just needed to cry it out. We were best friends.

One day he stopped replying to my messages. He had previously been very busy with work so I had kept out of his hair. To my knowledge his schedule was clearing up and I wanted to spend time with him and update everything he had missed. But he wouldn’t respond to my messages and just started blatantly ignoring me. I would still send him funny pictures, and songs that reminded me of our late night drives until one day he responded. He told me I was too much,  that I would put myself in situations and out of two options pick the wrong one. He was mad I never took his advice, and he was just done with the corners I backed myself into. He ended his message with, “I can’t really say that we’re friends. I’m sorry.” I remember the day I got the message, I was sitting in my criminal justice class and I had to leave because I started to cry. I was crushed, he was the first boy I had ever trusted. I say that people know “everything” about me. But there was always some part of the truth I held back from others, either because it was too sad or because it was too embarrassing. But not him, no, he knew the whole truth. I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed to tell him about the tragic and trauma I’ve lived through. He never pitied me or treated me any different.

It didn’t hurt so much because he knew everything, or because we spent so much time together. Those were factors in the pain of course, but what cracked my heart in half was: One night a guy friend I trusted crossed a line and put me in a position to be scared of him. The boy I had gotten so close to stood up for me and escorted my crying self out with some of my other close friends. I had been drinking so we all sat by my car, discussing the events that had just occurred. After about an hour we all walked to the gas station to get waters and snacks, on the way the boy that had my back a couple hours ago looked at me and spoke the words “I just don’t understand, why would he do this to you?” I looked at him and replied “Are you ready? This is what happens to me. Bad things happen to me. Can you handle that?” He gave me a hug and told me he would always have my back.

I wish he came to me. I wish he told me too shut up one of those nights and told me straight up. This is what you are doing wrong, and this is what you need to do to fix it, or we can’t be friends. I would have understood, or tried to explain where I was coming from better. I just wished he talked to me before making such a rash decision. One that in the long run did effect both of us. He was like my brother, and he broke my heart.

It’s worse ya know, when you get your heart broken by a friend and not a crush or boyfriend. You can get over your feelings for someone you liked romantically, and start to see the bad things they did to you. But your best friend is someone who’s flaws you’ve learned to accept and see as part of them, not something to turn against them. You learn to love your best friend for who they are. So I know this is a heart break that will forever change how I make friends. I’m scared that I wont be able to open up like I used to be able to. And all because my best friend broke my heart.

XOXO

The girl with the infinitely broken heart

Christmas aging

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I’m getting older.

Not just with age but wisdom.

I realized this while writing my Christmas list.

I didn’t want,

Shiny rings or new technological toys.

But someone to go caroling with,

Someone to cuddle and watch Christmas movies with.

Someone to love and to love me back.

I guess that’s when you know.

When you want something money can’t buy,

For that festive holiday.

Stay out. 

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How did I pop into you’re mind.

Am I someone you stalk on the regular? 

Or do you just miss me ? 

You don’t talk to me.

I don’t talk to you. 

We keep our distances because you made your choices long ago.

Thus leading to mine to move on. 

Giving up the effort to salvage any form of relationship with you. 
But too see your name pop onto my screen, 

After months of no communication worries me. 

Do not try to weasel your way back into my life. 

You’re gone.

You left me. 

Let’s keep it that way. 

Show me. 

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Your breathing is shallow. You drift in and out of consciousness, 

Asking me to scratch your back.  

But today is different 

We fought earlier. 

The drive to my house was filed with, 

Music explaining my emotions, 

Better than I ever could, 

Your breath, Sighs, And text tones. 

After the drive, 

We fell back into our rhythm. 

Laughing and making jokes. 

Then you said something. 

It sparked something inside me. 

It’s the one phrase that makes me sweat. 

“ I don’t care” 

You say it with no effort. 

You don’t care about what? 

Me? 

That’s what my brain always assumes first. 

Do I really matter? 

Or am I just another piece of ass. 

It angers you when I say things like that. But I wouldn’t question it if you just showed me… 

Show me you care! 

Show me I matter! 

Then! And only then!

Will I trust with no bounds. 

So many letters 

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So many letters. 

Letters from my, 

Sophomore, 

Junior, 

And senior year of highschool. 

So many people claimed so many things. 

So much love and care swiped under the rug. 

Like it never existed. 
Now hateful words are what fills those hallways. 

Now I realize,

Why no one stays friends with the people they 

once loved from high school. 

Because once you’re gone you’re gone. 

Out of sight, 

Out of mind. 
So I’ll sit here and remember all those nights you 

say you’ll never forget. 

And you all stay there, 

And forget with every passing day. 

I know you all have forgotten. 

Or trying to forget. 

Why? 

I will never know. 

There might be reasons but they are in the past, 

And resolved. 

But I forgot you guys love to hold grudges, 

Even when it’s not your place.