The Christmas cards have all been sent.
There is bile in my throat.
Tears streaming down my face.
Im trying to breathe
But your words are chocking me.
All the times spent together is wasted.
You once made me feel like a women,
Now I feel like a little girl.
Being told the playground is for big girls.
You took so much from me.
So many things I can never get back.
All of those firsts wasted.
On someone who wont even return my call.
You have left me broken and confused.
Who to trust?
Who to tell?
Who will help me pick up the pieces.
I thought we had so much more,
Than the uneven breaths
And words lost at the tips of our tongues.
Who will teach me to believe again.
But more importantly,
Who will teach me to love again.
You were one of my favorite things to write about. I loved talking about the how beautiful your eyes looked while being touched by the sun. How your smile lit up my world, and how happy you made me just by sitting next to me. And how the smell of your shirts still lingered long after you had left. I took it all for granted for so long, and oh god the days when you cared about me seems so far away. Now you lay eyes on another girl, one that will never realize how beautiful the smalls things you do. I feel bad that you will never know the love of a thousand suns and a force that will fight for you no matter how hard it is pushed. You are the single most amazing creature on this planet, and you will never know.
That is why I wrote about you so much because I see those little things as the biggest marks that your existence is too pure for this earth. But she changed you, and now you hold a lesser part of my heart. The less I think about you, the more toxic you become. You are starting to kill the old you, with each step you take. And by doing that you are hurting my heart. The heart the once only beat for you.
The girl that once wrote of your innocence.
I love christmas.
The happiness and excitement for the holiday nearing is unavoidable. And who would want to avoid such a magical time? The music and movies bring children smiling to their parent in hopes santa will reward them for being good. I remembered when I waited for santa to come and bring me presents. Because of my parents divorce I would go to florida every other year to my mothers parents house, while on the plane I always brought a sign that said my name. I was telling santa where to come and find me. But now that I am older the season has a different kind of affect. Its more about the aura of the season and less about materials.
The snow falling that flawlessly blankets the streets. The light pink sky and street lights that illuminate the world around us that create the most peaceful sanctuary. If you look into each house on the block you will see giant green trees with sparkling lights and ornaments that tell a special story for each family. The countless holiday music playing on the radio 24/7 until the special day. I wish one day to lay in bed with you watching the christmas movie after christmas movie. Or maybe we can stare out the window and watch the snow fall while drinking warm coffee. Maybe we will sit by the fire, maybe we will bundle up and go caroling. I wouldn’t mind any of these as long as I was with you.
Who knows when I will be able to spend my holiday with more than just my family. With someone who has chosen to be with me, not because we are blood. Who will understand when I cry while watching the christmas tree lighting or the fact I can’t stop smiling when I see houses covered in decorations. There is just something about this holiday that its me so hard. I don’t know what it is, but I wait 11 months for this. The joy and laughter completes me in some type of way. I hope It lasts more than a month.
The girl who lives in December