A Letter to the Boys that Tricked Me into Loving Them
Dear the two of you,
Because at the moment there are only two. I know you can’t really trick someone into loving them but everyone knows the kind of person I am. I am a lover, but not just any lover. I am the girl who throws herself into boys who will take everything she has and leave her with only enough love to get by.
Boy number one, we had been best friends for years and suddenly, one night you kissed me and my whole life changed. We made an agreement, no feelings, just sex. But come on, you had to have known I would fall for you. You were one of the boys I liked back in high school; When you made your first move on me, I began to see myself in a whole different light. For the first time I felt pretty. Pretty enough to snag a boy like you. In the following months, when I started to realized my feelings for you were growing deeper, I tried to change the agreement. But I was never enough for you. You were never proud to be with me. So I let you use me for your needs. In a sense I was using you too, you made me feel beautiful and wanted. We went on like this for 11 months, until you found someone who you actually wanted to claim as your own. We said we would stay friends but that didn’t last long. You must have grown tired of being reminded of the girl you lost every time you saw me. I gave up a lot of my life for you. You knew that too, but you used my caring nature as an advantage to get what you wanted. You are nearly a foot note in my life. I won’t call you a mistake because without you I wouldn’t know what to look for in boys who just want one thing. Thank you for breaking a piece of my heart to teach me a life lesson.
Boy number two, you should be ashamed of yourself. You sat in the car with me, while I would cry about the boy I just mentioned. You knew what I wanted. You knew I wanted to be claimed, to be flaunted as someones girl. I wanted a boy to be proud to have me on their arm. You said you understood, but at first, you were using me of the same purposes the boy before you. You hit me like a brick wall, you came out of no where. I never thought I would fall In love with you this much. I never thought I could love someone this much. You have had a hard life and I understand. But love, I would have died to make you happy. You need a place to stay, so I gave you a roof. You needed food to eat and survive, so I bought your meals. You needed things to do to fill up your quiet days, so I sat in the car with you and gave you activities to fill you with joy. I wanted to see you live your best life and be the best person you could be. I just wanted to be by your side as you grew and become the man I knew you were capable of becoming. You opened up another portion of my heart. The only thing I wanted in return was a title. Insurance that you would not just get up and leave if you found someone better. But the plot twist was I was the one to get up and leave. I was done with the petty games and the stupid fights. You “got me” so you stopped trying. Stopped trying to please me, make me happy, or even just trying to talk to me. I don’t know if we just out grew each other but it was the only impulsive decision I have ever made that ended up maturing me further. One that should have been done a long time ago. My impulsivity usually dug my grave and pushed me in as well; But for once it set me free.
As I sit in my room on a Thursday night thinking for that the past two years, on Thursdays, I would wait for my boys be done with training then to either go back to their place (boy number 1) or drive around aimlessly (boy number 2). I read through old messages and look through old pictures, but no regret creeps into mind. Knowing I have out grown my bad habits gives me a sense of peace. Knowing I am growing and making decisions for myself gives me a sense of prosperity. So thank you boys, for tricking a love sick girl into falling into the worst rabbit hole. I have learned to love myself instead of molding myself into something to be loved.