I remember the way the sand felt in between my toes. And how the waves crashing down by my side, gave me more solace than sleeping ever could. Maybe that explains why I was at the beach at 4am instead of in bed. I sat in the sand and let it mold to my body. For some reason I felt at home, like nothing could hurt me here. With not a soul in sight I took out my phone and started to play the songs that pulled on the strings of my heart. I swayed to the music while my soul spilled out of my eyes. Hours later, as the sun started to rise over the once dark horizon. The tears the rolled down my face meer hours ago, have turned into tracks of dried up sadness. My phone now buzzing with anticipation with the fulfilling questions of “Where did you go?”, “Come home” and the house favorite “I miss you”. All from people who had once held such a beautiful place inside of my heart, now sat in the darkest parts of my mind. With the horrible stings on my back from my brother and the scars on my arms from my middle school bully. They were no longer friends of mine, because the people I surrounded myself with are full of happiness and vibes you could feel from miles. So as I sat on that beach and as the colors in the sky started to change hues, I realized that the next step of my life is near and I must leave this place behind. No matter how many smiles, laughs, and good memories I was leaving with it. I will start a new, again. And I will be happy.
Humans are the most complex creatures in the universe. Feelings intertwined with other feelings, infinite possibilities of mixed emotions; one of the hardest things to do as a human is to forgive. We hold grudges just to bring back old fights, anything to release our true feelings because we are not satisfied with how things ended the last time. As a writer I am forced to see all sides of people, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Creating characters for stories, it is essential to realize that flaws are inevitable, and that stories are just a twist on reality but just as truthful. So, in my reality, when he took his anger towards the world and lashed out at me, I eventually came to realize that everyone has bad days and they aren’t anybody’s fault.
My ability to forgive has been more of a curse than a blessing. When you can forgive your childhood bully and move on from the past, even become good friends, that is when you realize you hold a very rare and powerful trait: the art of forgiveness. Not only did this boy torment me and call me nasty names, but he also made me into a person I never thought, at the age of 13, I could become: depressed and alone. My mind went to dark places. I am not ashamed of my past because it is a part of me. People ask me if I could go back in time and not have started a conversation with him, preventing the future torment, would I. The answer is no. I would still start that conversation, because I am who I am because I took a risk to befriend the boy I had a crush on, the same boy who almost pushed me to want to leave this earth. When you come from a broken home of divorced parents and an abusive older brother, you seek comfort in your friends. I tried to make more friends. It harmed me more than it helped, but that’s okay.
Today we walk, talk, and laugh together. My friends now know our past, and because of them, including him, I have memories to last lifetimes. The people I surround myself with now mean more to me than family; they saved me from the darkness of my mind, and for that I am forever grateful. I have lost more than I have gained in my high school career; but to be blunt, my friends love me deeply, and isn’t that better than what most high-schoolers get? I would take the boy I have learned to love as a brother, even after everything he put me through, over a billion friends any day. I know he is truly sorry for all the pain he caused me, and that is good enough for me. There is good in everyone, and sometimes patience, kindness, and forgiveness is all you need to find it.
Today you are 18, with a tattoo, a septum piercing, and your arms almost healed up. You would be so proud of how far along you have come. There are a lot of things I am going to cover right now so please don’t roll your eyes or discard my advice i’m just trying to help.
When you’re at his birthday in your cute little blue dress, do not follow him upstairs. I know he’s older and he looks cool but don’t follow him. When he takes your small hand pull it out and run away. Tell mommy what he said to you. I know you dont know whats happening but if you don’t do the above or you forget it’s okay you will get over it. You will grow from it, it will take a long time but in around 10 years you will find guy friends who will treat you like a little sister. Trust them. They won’t do to you what he did. The 2 boys I tell you about will go through highschool with you. Don’t loose them.
Speaking of being a little sister. Don’t antagonize him. I know you love to be right and you think he won’t snap but love you are so wrong. Please if you see him getting angry go to your room and stay there until mom comes home. Now sometimes it truly is not your fault but you can’t get away just don’t try to fight back it will make him more angry. Now I know you want everyone to know what he did to you but don’t show just hide it. Otherwise the school will call mom and tell her that you can’t stay at home with him. I know you think mom doesn’t love you cause she lets him stay in the house but he’s her child too. She loves you dont doubt that.
When you ask yourself if you should message him on facebook, do it. But don’t you dare pick up that razor when you read his responses, I know what he says will hurt but please love don’t take it out on yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong! Plus you will end up being best friends in the future. And if the urge is too strong and you do end up harming yourself dont tell him. God please dont get drunk at your party and “let it slip” when you know he’s there. Im sitting here almost 3 years later and he still tells me how he thinks about that night. Even years later you’re going to go to a party and yell at him. I know you want him to know how he made you feel but he doesn’t need to. You might have gotten over it but he still feels deep sadness for what he pushed you to do.
The one thing I must tell you is thicken your skin, you can’t let what people say about you get under it. Because there are so many people who care for you; and you’re going to meet a girl, yes shes a little older then all of your other friends. But god if you don’t meet her, I just don’t know what will happen to her. If all the things I have told you to avoid, you don’t, there’s going to be a night when you tell her and that boy everything. She is going to bring you inside after and cry on your shoulder for hours. Hold her, you have changed lives and while you’re holding her remember that.
I’m going to end this on a good note when you go into high school you have to take an elective. Take the short story option. Because of this you will learn to write and love you are not going to want to do anything else. You will learn to express yourself without it ending in blood on the sheets. And when you are sitting on your bed crying about boys who dont know you love them. And when you are asking yourself why you keep doing this, grab your computer, rip open that pack and write. Love just keep writing. You will get it all out and you will feel better I promise.
Stay safe and when it comes to college and the rest of your life you’ll be fine, you can do this. I believe in you the way you, you believe in everyone else. And god forbid anything happens to you just remember the most important person loves you and that’s you.
The rays of the rising sun shines through his almost transparent curtains. His thin sheets cover most of him and all of me. I wake moments before him and I’m so happy I did. He has never looked more at peace then in this moment. Lips parted slightly, eyes shut, chest rising and falling, steady heartbeat. I didn’t think picture perfect moments existed; but this was proof. I move slightly to adjust myself in the small twin bed and thus awakening him. He fluttered his eyes opened, but stayed in the same position.
“Morning.” he mutters while moving his right hand to wipe his eyes.
“Good morning.” I reply tiredly, wanting to curl back up with him and sleep.
“Do we have to wake up right now?” He replied with a simple nahh, and closed his eyes. I repositioned myself again and laid my head on his chest. At that moment he took his arm out from under my side and played with my hair. I guess the reposition moved the air inside me this releasing a baby burp. All of sudden he erupted in a fit of giggles, causing me to sit up because of the rapid movement of his chest.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry, but that babo burp was too cute.”
The laughing continued and that earned him a slap on the chest.
I threatened him by saying I was going to sleep on the floor If he didn’t stop. He apologized one more time then stopped. I laid back down and not 5 seconds later he started laughing again. I got up, snagged the pillow from underneath his head and laid on the floor. He let out a sigh and an obnoxiously long ‘baaaaaaabe’
“No I gave you a chance and you ruined it.”
“Okay well how are you going to sleep on the floor without a blanket?”
I reached my arm up and pulled the sheet off of him.
He sighed and stood up.
He plopped down next to me and replied.
“If you’re not going to sleep with me. I guess I’m sleeping with you.”
He pulled me closer and started to spoon.
“Ya know this kinda defeats the purpose of me punishing you.”
“Then you shouldn’t punish me in the first place.”
“Fine. Ill get back in the bed if you promise not to laugh anymore.”
“If youre going to sleep on the floor if I continue, then I will stop.”
“thank you” I pecked his lips. Grabbed the pillow from under his head, again, this time causing him to slam his head on the floor.
“I’m so sorry! I thought you would have picked your head up.”
“Geez your just in the mood to hurt me arnt you?”
“No no no no, I’m so sorry I just-”
“Hun its fine, im only playing, I know it was an accident”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah its fine just kiss it better.”
I leaned forward and kissed the spot on his head, where a slight bump formed. He stood up with the sheet in hand, and then helped me up. We got back into bed and he placed the sheet over us.
“Wait, I have an idea.”
He got back up and grabbed a comforter out of the linen closet.
“Why didn’t you grab that last night?”
“After the movie you just passed out on me..” he said as he moved a piece of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail behind my ear.
“ I didn’t want to get up and risk waking you.”
I quickly forgave him and he tucked us in.
“Better?” he said with a smug look on his face.
“Much” I replied getting comfortable again.
I felt bad about making him hit his head so i started to scratch his back, he quickly flipped over, now facing me, and grabbed my hand. He kissed my forehead and let out a simple ‘no’. He snaked his arm around me and started rubbing my back, he knew me too well. I closed my eyes and before I knew it I was asleep again, letting his heart beat sing me lullabies. We awoke some hours later and walked down stairs to be greeted by his mom setting up some coffee, and toasting some bagels. She offered me some but I politely turned them down, she told him she was leaving to do some errands and to put the dishes away when he was done with them.
“Please and add-” He interrupted me.
“3 sugars and some milk, please, don’t insult me”
I laughed a bit and opened the door to his porch. I sat down and lit up a cigarette.
He nodded his head as he came out with two mugs of coffee.
“What am I going to do without you next year”
“Have to make your own coffee” I let out a laugh but saddened at the thought of us leaving to go to different schools in the fall. He put his hand on my knee.
“Dont worry about that now, it’s months away and well figure it out.”
He was sitting on a lounge chair so I stood up and joined him on his chair and laid my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes, and prayed that this moment never ends.
When I opened them again I was in an empty bed; with a giant teddy bear and a dog by my feet.
“It was just a dream” I said to myself and thats all he would ever be to me, just a boy I dreamt about. And in that moment I was incredibly sad, because I never got to tell him how beautiful he looked when he first wakes up.
I play the song like it was a piece of music, and not a fragment of my life. It brought back so many memories, memories we would never have again. I dance, in what would have been, our living room. Dancing the way we danced at prom all those years ago. I remember the last time we danced to this song. It was the night of our wedding, it was also the night you left me. Waking up on the morning of the happiest day of my life, the only thing I could think of was falling asleep later in your arms. The sad thing is, is that I had planned a whole life for us. For rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. I had never planned for the worst, and have to live out that dream….by myself. But now the song has ended, and I sit in a puddle of my tears, on our living room floor. A life that was once filled with everything, has diminished to a world of nothingness.
It is the color of her lips before you go in for the kiss.
The color of her cheeks when you tell her how beautiful she is
It was the color of her dress that you last saw her in that fateful night.
It was the anger you felt after the accident.
It was the color of the liquid that she was covered in when you found her.
Its the color of your heart that is now in pieces.
And it is the color of the rose you left on her grave.
I stared at the clocks as I lay there in his arms.
It felt like hours but only seconds ticked by.
we tried to keep the conversation going
but our words were slurring and sleep was consuming us.
What could i say, our eyelids were heavier than our thoughts.
When I awoke hours later,
the sun had not yet,
and neither had he.
I lay there and looked up at him.
so peaceful & lost within the abyss of his dreams.
I had heard that sleeping with someone is the ultimate sign of trust.
Letting them see you at your most vulnerable.
There was something there that night,
I felt it.
After that night feelings were developed.
But lies were spread
And people were believed.
When the lies traveled back to me,
I looked at the clock
But time had simply stopped.
My breathing was rugged and the tears were starting.
Betrayed, deceived, deserted..
they continued to spew within my mind
The butterflies turned into moths.
The boy who lit the darkest parts of my mind.
Had now broken through the cages that protected my heart.
And used the same piercing that used to sit within his eyes,
To instead stab me.
Today I sit here looking at that same clock.
Living blindly but with a new kind of armor.
After rebuilding the cages around my heart.
With unbreakable bonds.
No one will break through.
I live scared to feel
As if I am betraying someone.
I will sit in the dark,
Making sure to never be hurt again.
Once upon a time their was a girl named daisy, she was a young girl, one who always smiled and did nice things for the old. she got diagnosed with cancer at the age of 10. Once she found out about this hell she would be going through she started to get sad, but not the sad that happens when your dog dies. The kind of sad she felt when her parents got separated or when sister left her fiancee she thinks it was because of the bruise she found on her arms. She met a young girl at chemo, who she later became very close to her after the church they used to go to caught flames. Living in Kansas the lightning storms are extreme and in this case it was the reason the church caught fire. Her new friend and her would roam the hospital halls at night to find more kids who had this terrible fait, in hope to make more friends. They later realized any other kid who had this fait, was in the children’s ward. They didn’t understand how intense their problem was. After a couple of years when Daisy turned 13 her friend went in for surgery and never came back. After Daisy spiraled out of control, until one day Daisy went to her old friends house. She went in her room which had been untouched to encase the memory of her. With the lack of human interaction in the room it was not kept up too date. The bed was unmade and her clothes still lay in the closet unfolded. Daisy turned on the light bulb and realized only one worked. She followed the stream of light to her deceased friends bookcase. She had never knew she was a big reader, but apparently she was, stacks upon stacks of books lined the casing along her wall. Daisy looked at the countless books her friend had read, she was astonished. Daisy saw one that peaked her interest. Even though these too had known each other for a couple of years they were practically sisters, and the book that peaked her interest was her old friends diary. She picked it up and hid it under her jacket. She went back to her hospital bed and sat down to read. She read about all her friend had gone through. She even learned new things about her. One of them was that she had a fake eye. The cancer she had, had taken it. She had never realized. She started to cry when she read about how her best friend had wrote about the countless days they stayed in, even though it was sunny out, and played countless games all of them including dice, or puzzles because the hospital was not well funded. A year later Daisy joined her best friend because the cancer had won the battle. Now Daisy and Hazel could reunite, in heaven.
Its 1973 in Grosse Pointe, Michigan and it has been about a month since the tragic death of the Lisbon sisters. At first I thought it was something in the family that would make the sisters feel so depressed to commit such an act. But after the same fate started happening to me, my thoughts were all over the place, maybe its something in the water.
I started out just like Cecilia did, in a way i’m a lot like her. I guess all she needed was some attention because after I got that I got a lot better. This maybe confusing so I am going to take you back a week or two.
I starred at him from across the room, wondering what it would be like to be with someone like him, but being me never landed the guy I liked. While lost in all my thoughts he turned his head around to steal a glance, not realizing I was already staring. The sweetness in his eyes and the genuineness of his smile was all so mesmerizing. He walked over to me a little bit of wariness in his step, as if he was not sure about the actions that were about to occur. He came up next to me asking me why the sleeves got longer and the sweatshirts never came off. I told him he didn’t have to worry about it, but he quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me into the other room. He sat me down at a desk and stood over me and asked what was wrong. Even after all of my pleading of “I’m fine.” He took my hands in his and asked me too take my sweatshirt off. Im sure in that moment he could hear the pounding of my heart and that my breathe got heavier, or how clammy my hands were. I slowly and surely took it off, he took my hands in his and flipped them over. The sound of his gasp was so un-real, while I turned my head down in shame shedding a couple of tears in the process. He asked me why and I felt my mouth go dry, unable to speak he swept me up off the desk and onto his lap. Hugging me, causing me to nuzzle my head into his neck. We sat like that until the bell rang. We let the silence be our cushion, he pulled his head back and asked me why? I have never been asked a more loaded question, he saw me struggle with it and instead asked me if their was anywhere else. My hesitation was his answer. I got off his lap and lifted my skirt a measly couple of inches, and this time it was him who shed the tears. His question popped up before he could stop it “why?” Before I answered his brother barged in and told us it was time to go, he asked if I wanted to come over and talk…. I was hesitant but I agreed.
His brother drove us back to his house, he brought me too his room. I took off my sweatshirt thinking it was safe. Until he started starring, then I reached for it again, he quickly apologized and insisted I make myself comfortable. Taking the suggestion I sat on his bed while he sat on his desk chair, making sure not to push my level of comfortability. He leaned forward and asked if I wanted to talk about it, I nodded my head pushing him to ask me something. At this point anything beat the silence that filled the air, “Tell me everything, I want to help.”
I was unsure of this, he was sweet and the literal boy of my dreams but would he understand the pain and heartbreak or deem me overdramatic and never talk to me again. I started talking and didn’t stop for several minutes. Through tears and laughs, I told him everything . Instead of reacting he now sits next to me mouth agape. After a couple of minutes I stand and apologize, getting ready to leave he stops me by grabbing my arm, he turns me around and gives me a hug. We stand their for what feels like forever. He slowly led me back to my original spot, he told me he needed to go for a couple of minutes, I nodded as if giving him permission. He left and I got under the covers going over what had just happened in the last couple of hours. Unintentionally my eyes start to flutter close and before I know it I was asleep.
When I awoke, I saw him entering the room, he noticed my bed head
“Did you have a good nap?”
I nodded my head.
“Are you still tired?”
I nodded my head again
“Do you want to continue sleeping??”
In a moment of confidence I answered
“Sure, but only if you join me.”
He obliged and got into the bed making himself comfortable, He told me he doesn’t usually nap so I said I’d teach him. I told him to close his eyes, and to think of a place he wanted to be, with someone he truly loves. I then run my nails lightly upon his arms, I felt his goosebumps under my fingertips. He told me that no body had ever treated like this, like he was worth something and with such compassion. I turned around in the small space and took his hand.
“Too me, you’re worth everything and more.”
After that he pulled me closer and we fell asleep like that.
At about 3:30am I felt the bed move and I heard the door open and close. got out of bed and followed the sound of footsteps downstairs to the kitchen, I stood in the doorway watching him. He walked over to radio and turn it on, he started dancing like nobody was watching. After a few moments he turned around and saw me their he stopped suddenly and his eyes growing as wide as a deer in headlights, and of course in that moment the song changed and it was a soft melody. He took my hand and twirled me around, we danced until the song ended. It was almost like a dream, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. After our dance he brought me back upstairs and we returned to his bed, his arms latched around me and we molded together as one, he held me in such a way as if he was trying to say that he wanted to keep me safe. That after all I had been through he wanted to make sure I knew I finally had a protector.
I guess it wasn’t something in the water, those sisters were unable to experience the one thing that would save them. Love is a force not to be reckoned with, a force that can mend a broken heart. Those sisters were broken and tired, instead of getting mended they went to sleep for a very long time.
As she looks around the cafeteria all she sees is beauty. With her plate empty she gets stares from all around her. The whispers have become chatter. “Why isn’t she eating?” ” what is she anorexic after spending all of her life eating?”. Being in an all girls school is hard, she sees leggings and crop tops everywhere. While she sits there in yoga pants and big shirts to hide the marks on her stomach and size of it. That night she sees that star, the star every teenage girl wants to see. The one the she can wish upon and make her dreams come true. She only has one wish, and that to be like everyone else. A normal girl, not one that has to shop at a certain store and wear certain clothes because normal ones aren’t ‘flattering’ on her.
She wakes up
the next day and continues her morning routine. Walking down the hall at school everything is the same. She moves more swiftly, she doesn’t know why but she wishes her wish is starting to take its affect. Weeks go by and she doesn’t see a difference. It’s funny though, she’s getting the compliments of “have you been working out?” Or “you look like you lost so much weight.” She sees slight differences like she had to buy new shoes because hr feet shrank, but that is really it.
It is now her birthday, she is turning 17 the prime in a young girls life. She puts on her leggings and brand new crop too she ordered herself. She walks over to the mirror with one of the brightest smiles. It has come, she found her old weight diary when she tried those sketchy weight lose places. She has succeeded, She is finally happy with herself. Finally the person she wants to be, as she takes front seat in her friends car. Friends!? Something she thought would never happen to her because she was never the pretty one, just the one that got left behind.
Weeks go by and her hip bones are starting to pop out. Her mom says she needs to stop what she’s doing, but she doesn’t understand, she isn’t doing anything. It’s the wish she can’t just turn it off. Her mother tries to stuff her face as much as she can, but she just can’t gain the weight, or any for that matter, back. She doesn’t understand what everyone’s problem is. She is finally skinny finally beautiful, able to wear anything she wants. When she walks down the street she gets whistles instead of moos.
Even though she has to go shopping for new clothes, she can’t wear crop tops anymore because people complain about seeing her ribs. She can’t play sports because her coach says she is too fragile, and is afraid of her well being. She has ended up in the hospital, how? She doesn’t know. The whispers and chit chat came back right before she was admitted. They say she’s wasting away.
She spent the rest of ever days in the library, she told all of the nurses she was writing a letter. They didn’t know it was her last one. The letter stated she knew her time was coming. She couldn’t stop the decreasing of her, that it wasn’t her fault she was just skin and bones. She stated that she was finally happy, but being skinny and “perfect” wasn’t all its cracked up to be. She was told all the time that being skinny was the dream, that all her problems will decimate with the decrease of the amount of space she took up. As people were told of her being in the hospital, the rumors started of her being bulimic or anorexic. Because she was too big, but health was a problem, but now shes too skinny and its a disease. You can never win in this world, if you are not pretty or not flattering to look at, you are not worth as much.
For the remainder of her time she spent in her room. Until her ribs stenciled her chest, and her hip bones were the only thing keeping her pants up. She lays under dozens of blankets, because she was never warm enough. when the doctors found her that day, she was practically nothing. her papers strewn along the desk they got her, because the walk to the library was too much. She never got to finish that letter. But she got her point across. Beaty comes from the beholder, if you believe you are beautiful. Then you are beautiful. She regrets never believing it. Her one last wish before passing that day was to wish she could have wished for confidence in herself, instead wishing for something that would not please her but everyone else.