Fireworks 

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Don’t kiss me, 

During the pops of the fireworks. 

When the finale is over. 

Turn me around, 

Grab my face, 

& make a scene. 

Kiss me after the noise. 

During the silence, 

after the chaos. 

Make everyone, 

Stop in there tracks, 

To admire the young love. 

Let’s remind them, 

Of passion. 

Force them to reminisce, 

There youth,

& quick thinking. 

Let’s give them a show. 

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When I was 15,

I sat in a circle with my girlfriends. 

They talked about the boys swooning over them. 

And the ones they had there eyes on. 

I sat in silence. 

I was the least desirable in the group. 

I was the “Can I get your friends number?” Girl. 

While talking about boys. 

I mentioned wanting a boyfriend more than ever. 

There answers were all the same. 

“No you don’t” 

Reasoning? 

“Because nothing hurts more than heart break.”

I fought back,

“What about the good times? And memories?”

But there response stayed the same. 

I sit in my car, 

At an empty beach, 

Nearly 5 years later. 

With the scars of a broken heart. 

But no good times. 

Not one boyfriend, 

But 7 Exs. 

Never been on a date. 

Never been given roses. 

Never been told I’m beautiful. 

I don’t know how the times changed so drastically. 

Sex is a given; 

But you’re lucky if they want all of you.  

To be “wifed up” is a privilege, 

But they expect to be let in your pants anyway. 

Games are played with emotions, 

Instead of boards & dice. 

I am reliable. 

I am loving. 

I am loyal. 

But I am used more than anything. 

I am thirsting for love and affection. 

They tell me they like me. 

They tell me they care. 

Until I put my shirt back on, 

And they there pants. 

Then it goes back to normal. 

When I call & text. 

I am called clingy. 

But if I don’t respond to them, 

I’m a Bitch. 

No one wants the responsibility. 

But they don’t see the perks. 

Someone to hold you down, 

And push them to be a better person. 

They think it’s too complicated. 

But what’s complicated about caring about someone other than yourself. 

The excuse I always get is,

“I don’t want to hurt you. ” 

But what boggles my mind is. 

How? 

Are you going to cheat on me?

Do you seriously not have that much self control. 

Are you going to lie to me? 

Can you really not be honest wit me.

How do you not want to hurt me? 

Because let me tell you something kid. 

You are already there. 

I’ve been missing you 

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I haven’t seen u in a week or two. I didn’t think I’d miss you this much. 

We try to talk all the time. 

You make the effort. 

And I miss you. 
I miss you in my front seat. 

I miss ordering your drinks. 

I miss laughing until I cry. 

Then you laughing at me cause I cried.  

I miss driving aimlessly. 

Because you didn’t want to go home, 

And when I was with you, 

Neither did I. 
I miss that night. 

Sitting in my car, 

At the beach. 

Stars so bright, 

You’d think they were painted on a ceiling. 

I had Christmas music on. 

It had snowed earlier. 

I was in awe at the scenery. 

It was the first night you kissed me. 

And god I never thought I’d want more.  
You took my breathe away. 

You put your hand on my face,

Caressing it so lightly, 

But holding on for dear life. 
Every kiss after that, 

Knocked the wind out of me a little more. 

When I think of you, 

I get those damn butterflies. 

Did you know you turned my little moths,

Into beautiful butterflies that flap their wings at your name?

Because you did. 
You’ve made me into a person I didn’t think I could become again. 

Generally, 

And undoubtedly happy. 

So I miss you. 

And I hope to see you soon. 

Goodnight love. 

But here you are. 

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I wasn’t looking for you. 

When I looked at a crowd, 

You weren’t in front of me to find. 

You’ve been next to me this whole time. 

A best friend. 

A guy that I could call at any time. 

But isn’t that how it always goes. 

The one for you is right in front of you. 

But are you? 

The one for me. 
The start of this seems all too familiar. 

Just like the one before you. 

The deja vu is kicking in. 

You want me. 

In the way the guy before did. 

My body, 

My love, 

My affection. 

But with no strings. 
But I can’t do that anymore. 

You were with me, 

At 4 am, 

While I would wait for his call.  

You saw me cry over him.  

You heard me say, 

A hundred times, 

How what he was doing to me. 

Was ruining all my chances for love.  
And here you are, 

Doing the exact same thing. 

You say you don’t want a relationship. 

& I understand that. 

But you don’t even have the balls. 

To claim me as you’re girl, 

If asked. 
What is so wrong with me. 

That no one feels proud, 

To have me on there arm. 
I know titles are stupid & unnecessary. 

But I have abandonment issues. 

I need the insurance. 

That I am not going to get, 

A call or a text. 

That you have found someone better. 

Because I have no right to get upset if you do.  

Because you weren’t my boyfriend. 

Just another friend using me for sex. 
But you should know. 

If that day comes. 

You would have ruined a good girl. 

You would have broken her a little more. 

You would have contributed to her troubled past. 

You will be just another guy I blame for my issues. 

But most of all you have lost, 

One of the only girls, 

That was willing to carry the work on her shoulders. 

For a boy. 

Who used her just the same. 

As everyone else. 

The thing is..

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The thing is.. 

There is no thing. 

I love you. 

I have always loved you. 

But you don’t love me, 

And I have to continue to live my life. 

Knowing,

That I let you love me. 

When conveniency was available. 
The thing is I still love you. 

But what I have come to know. 

Is I was never in love with you. 

Because if I was in love with you. 

I would be crazy. 

To let you continue to hurt me. 

I wouldn’t be in love with you. 

But the pain you caused. 

And that’s a bit sadistic, 

Don’t ya think? 
So I wasn’t in love with you. 

But I do love you. 

And I do care about you. 

And I always will. 

But there is someone else now. 

And don’t you come running back. 

When I give him everything, 

You could have had. 
Don’t realize how good I was for you, 

Because it is too late. 

So live your life knowing you’re loved. 

And I’ll live mine with love to give. 

I just want you to be happy. 

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I’m sitting in my car crying. Are you happy? 
I’m writing about you again. 

Are you happy? 
She flaunts you like a new purse. 

Are you happy? 
I’m drunk on your memories. 

Are you happy? 
But more wasted on the 8 shots of tequila. 

Are you happy? 
I’m drowning in your promises. 

Are you happy? 
My lungs are filled with smoke. 

Are you happy? 
I’m coughing up blood again. 

Are you happy? 
I drove home tonight. 

Are you happy? 
I didn’t see the stop sign. 

Are you happy? 
Their head lights blinded me. 

Are you happy? 
It’s been two months since the accident. 

Are you happy? 
They don’t think I’m going to wake up. 

Are you happy? 
My families gathered around my bed. 

Are you happy? 
They pulled the plug. 

Are you happy? 
I see bright lights and a faint flat line. 

Are you happy? 
You cried at the funeral. 

What happened? 

I thought you were happy? 
Everyone’s talking about you. 

Why aren’t you happy? 
I’m out of your life. 

Now you have all the room for new girls. 

No way for me to interfere. 
You’re still walking on this earth. 

But you’re dead inside. 
The other guy talked to my family. 

Then my best friend showed up at your door. 

She told you my last words. 

Words you’ll never remember in my voice. 

Because you did not want to hear them from me. 
They said I was screaming for you. 

The girl that stood by my side. 

Waiting for the paramedics to arrive. 

Said I told her about you. 
My last breathe wreaked of your name. 

Is that haunting. 

Do you imagine those words,

From my breath, 

Out of context. 

Trying to think about how it would sound coming right out of my mouth. 

Dancing into your ears. 
Don’t. 
But I do have one question. 

Was she worth it?

And you changed that.

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My heart is pounding.

I have tears tumbling down my cheek.

You all started yelling.

And banging at my window.

For the girl in my passenger seat.

But you’re scaring me.

Your yells remind me of his.

Your hands pounding on the window,

Remind me of the bruises I would wake up with.

I never wanted to be scared of my own friends.

I never wanted to be reminded of the pain.

I just never wanted to feel that again.

I never wanted to be scared of my friends.

Red lacy underwear

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Today I wore red lacy underwear.

I did particularly wear it for you. 

But I also sported my cutest pair, 

For the pure knowledge of knowing under all my apparel. 

I had on red lacy underwear. 
Under all my garments, 

I was also completely naked. 

You were the only one I let see my true form. 

Of course there were others before you. 

But I always sucked in my stomach. 

Or laid a certain way. 

Hiding parts of myself I didn’t really care for. 
You touched my skin. 

And gave me back some excitement. 

My skin before you,

Was bruised,

Scarred, 

& withered with insecurity. 

Skin that had survived. 

Twenty torturous winters. 

And nineteen traumatizing summers. 
I thought you were different. 

But isn’t that always the case. 

The quiet boy,

Whose always been in your life,

Could never hurt you like the rest did. 
You broke the stereotype. 

Are you happy? 

You added to the carnage. 
Now all the pretty words I said to you,

Over and over again,

They haunt me. 
My words could have filled hundreds of journals. 

But tonight they are droplets of water. 

And I can’t breathe. 

I’m drowning in our conversations. 

And pretty poems. 

About a boy who lied about liking me. 

And my pleas for him to see what was right in front of him. 
I’ll try to catch my breath tomorrow. 

But for tonight. 

I’ll asphyxiate on what could have been. 

There’s a fine line

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I hate you with every molecule in my body. 

But I love you with the passion of a million poets. 
They say there’s a fine line between love and hate. 

And you have have me fumbling back and forth. 
Without you here, 

I hate you. 

If I saw you again, 

I would rather punch you in the face, 

Than have you lay your hands on my skin again. 
But when ur presence is felt. 

I want to hug you for years. 

I want to latch on, 

And never let go. 
There’s a fine line. 

Between love and hate. 
When you are in my line of sight. 

I love you. 

I love you with every ounce of my heart. 

Because I remember all the god things. 

And the times spent laughing, 

And moaning your name. 
But when you are gone. 

I hate you. 

I want to never see you again. 

I want you to forget anything about me. 

I want to you to keep my name out of your mouth. 
There’s a fine line. 

My feelings for you,

Are like walking a tight rope. 

But I slipped off. 

And you’re choking me.