I am a very over dramatic person. I don’t really know why, but I do know I can take things out of proportion. I also know I am very tired of hearing “relax, It is not the end of the world”. Because people do not understand that we are young. We have lived so little that right now, in this moment, it is in fact the end of the world. In this very moment we feel we are the saddest we have ever been. In retrospect we are babies, untouched by some of the purest feelings and most toxic repercussions of the universe. In my personal experience I have come to the realization that time is my best friend. If the topic is boys or friendship, I have come to learn that 24 hours is the perfect amount of time. If you go a whole day with the same feeling and no better understanding of the situation you just analyzed for the past day, your feelings are most likely rational. If you have calmed down and started to understand what is happening more, than perfect, you just saved yourself a whole lot of embarrassment. But sometimes your rage or sadness gets the better of you and you just can’t keep quiet. You want to make the other person understand your reaction. So you yell and cry or send triple essay texts, it doesn’t matter how they hear you, you just want them to listen.
Now that you understand what I do, it’s a little easier when I say I thought a lot of boys had “broken my heart” because in that moment it was; what I presumed to be heart break. Now that I’m 20 years old I understand my self and my reactions a little better. If you knew me, you’d know that I’m a hopeless romantic. So you’d probably think it was a crush or a boyfriend I’d give the infamous title of my first heartbreak, but you would be wrong. I have had a lot of close guy friends in my past but there was one portion of my life where everything was in shambles. I was in a messy situation with one of my oldest friends, who was playing my heart like a violin. I was in the middle of moving out of my child hood home, and having to come to terms with moving to a new state. I had recently lost 99% of my friends for what is still one of the biggest mysterious I have come across to this date. And One night a boy who I liked made me cry and I was in the midst of a mental breakdown, this friend was always seen as responsible and trusting. So I called him up and asked him to drive around with me, and that night hatched a whole new level to our friendship. He learned everything about me in such little time and accepted me. For the months to come he stuck by me and my hours of crying about a boy who was slowly stealing pieces of my sanity and my heart, discussing my old friends leaving me with no explanation, and just what was happening in my life in general. He was my safe haven. He was the first person I told everything too. I was the girl who everyone came too when they had nothing better to do. I loved to just drive around and talk, I was used to picking people up just so they can vent while we drive. If they wanted advice or just to talk, smoke or drink. I was down. I guess he was my me. He always facilitated, he knew if I needed a pick me up, or If I just needed to cry it out. We were best friends.
One day he stopped replying to my messages. He had previously been very busy with work so I had kept out of his hair. To my knowledge his schedule was clearing up and I wanted to spend time with him and update everything he had missed. But he wouldn’t respond to my messages and just started blatantly ignoring me. I would still send him funny pictures, and songs that reminded me of our late night drives until one day he responded. He told me I was too much, that I would put myself in situations and out of two options pick the wrong one. He was mad I never took his advice, and he was just done with the corners I backed myself into. He ended his message with, “I can’t really say that we’re friends. I’m sorry.” I remember the day I got the message, I was sitting in my criminal justice class and I had to leave because I started to cry. I was crushed, he was the first boy I had ever trusted. I say that people know “everything” about me. But there was always some part of the truth I held back from others, either because it was too sad or because it was too embarrassing. But not him, no, he knew the whole truth. I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed to tell him about the tragic and trauma I’ve lived through. He never pitied me or treated me any different.
It didn’t hurt so much because he knew everything, or because we spent so much time together. Those were factors in the pain of course, but what cracked my heart in half was: One night a guy friend I trusted crossed a line and put me in a position to be scared of him. The boy I had gotten so close to stood up for me and escorted my crying self out with some of my other close friends. I had been drinking so we all sat by my car, discussing the events that had just occurred. After about an hour we all walked to the gas station to get waters and snacks, on the way the boy that had my back a couple hours ago looked at me and spoke the words “I just don’t understand, why would he do this to you?” I looked at him and replied “Are you ready? This is what happens to me. Bad things happen to me. Can you handle that?” He gave me a hug and told me he would always have my back.
I wish he came to me. I wish he told me too shut up one of those nights and told me straight up. This is what you are doing wrong, and this is what you need to do to fix it, or we can’t be friends. I would have understood, or tried to explain where I was coming from better. I just wished he talked to me before making such a rash decision. One that in the long run did effect both of us. He was like my brother, and he broke my heart.
It’s worse ya know, when you get your heart broken by a friend and not a crush or boyfriend. You can get over your feelings for someone you liked romantically, and start to see the bad things they did to you. But your best friend is someone who’s flaws you’ve learned to accept and see as part of them, not something to turn against them. You learn to love your best friend for who they are. So I know this is a heart break that will forever change how I make friends. I’m scared that I wont be able to open up like I used to be able to. And all because my best friend broke my heart.
The girl with the infinitely broken heart